Fall 2006 Alumnae Quarterly Web Extra

Left Behind, Moving Forward

Coping with Widowhood

By Diana Bosse Mathis ’70

Managing the Stress of Bereavement

Like all prolonged, stressful experiences, bereavement can wear down the body and mind, impairing decision-making and increasing susceptibility to illness. Fortunately, through knowledge and practice, we can learn to manage our bodies’ natural response to stress and channel its energies to positive ends. Here are tips from alumnae on how to handle the stress of bereavement:

Accept and ask for help.
Do activities you enjoy.
Care for one another; help others.
Cry when you need to.
Spend time with people who support you.
Acknowledge what you’ve lost, so that you can move forward.
Take care of yourself; pamper yourself; be selfish.
Join a grief support group.
Seek mental-health care, if symptoms of depression linger.
Be physically active, and exercise as much as you are able, preferably with others.
Do something as a special remembrance—plan the funeral or memorial service; write a memorial, letter, or poem; create a photo album or scrapbook; plant a tree.
Do something for yourself—take a trip, make a garden, enter a marathon, find a new career.
Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon.
Let emotions flow; it’s OK to feel hurt, angry, and want to ask, “Why me?”
Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone, “I love you. You may never have the opportunity again.

Final Gifts: Discussing End-of-Life Wishes

It’s impossible to know who will die first—you or your partner. Minimize stress for the one left behind by discussing each others’ end-of-life wishes now. Then record each partner’s wishes in documents such as the following:

Advance directive (“living will” with durable power of attorney for health care), to guide decisions about health care when the patient cannot make decisions
Estate plan (how financial and property assets will be distributed/managed) including wills, bequests, trust(s), annuities, life-insurance policies
Funeral arrangements and burial agreements
Lists of people to contact (for each partner as well as joint contacts: friends, relatives, business associates, lawyers, agents, high-school and college alumnae/i associations, etc.)

It’s also important for each partner to know the “business” of living, such as the following:

What property is owned, and the locations of mortgage papers, titles, deeds, insurance, and other important documents; don’t forget cars, computers, jewelry, etc.
Whereabouts of pension and retirement accounts; checking, savings, and other bank accounts; credit cards
Know where records (including Social Security card, military-discharge papers, marriage license, etc.) are kept

Resources

Widows’ Stories:

My Live Closed Twice: Surviving a Double Loss by Sandra Klamkin Schocket ’58, 2004, available from Amazon.com or directly from the author (Postage free), skschocket@bex.net. The author describes her life following the sudden deaths, within twenty-four hours, of her husband and son. An inspirational and practical book for anyone seeking new paths to healing after experiencing major changes in life.
The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion; Alfred A Knopf, NY (Random House), 2005.
When Husbands Die: Women Share Their Stories, by Shirley Reeser McNally (Smith ’47); Sunstone Press, 2005. Also, in the spring 2006 Smith Alumnae Quarterly, see Tzivia Gover’s article about McNally and her book.
Errands, by Judith Guest; Ballantine Books, 1997. An abridged version of this novel about a young widow, written by the author of Ordinary People, is also available from Random House Audiobooks.
On Your Own, by Alexandra Armstrong and Mary Donahue, Dearborn, 2000. Written to address the needs of the newly widowed, the book can be of use also to other women who seek financial independence.

About Death, Stress, Coping:

On Death and Dying, by Elisabeth Kubler Ross, MD; Macmillan, NY, 1969; this physician’s classic observations and description of the stages of death/dying.
The Stress of Life, by Hans Selye, MD; McGraw-Hill, NY, 1956; a classic that describes the results of this endocrinologist’s research on the neuro-endocrino-immunological bases of the localized adaptation (“fight-or-flight”) response to stress and generalized adaptation responses to stress (chronic diseases, including heart disease and diabetes).
Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness, by Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD; Delta, NY, 1990; covers information in Selye’s book and describes the program of the Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center.
Death’s Door: Modern Dying and the Way We Grieve, by Sandra Gilbert; Norton, 2006
Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying, by Christine Longaker; Doubleday, 1998
When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold Kushner; Schocken Books, 1981.
National Institute of Mental Health. A wealth of resources on bereavement are at www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/bereavement.html.

Helping Children Cope with Death

Cynthia R. Pfeffer, MD; “Helping Children Cope With Death.” Psychiatric Times. Sept. 2000; 17(9) accessed at www.psychiatrictimes.com/p000945.html.
National Mental Health Association. “Helping Children Cope with Loss.” Accessed at www.nmha.org/children/prevent/loss.cfm.
National Association of School Psychologists. “Helping Children Cope with Loss, Death and Grief: Response to a National Tragedy.” Accessed at www.nasponline.org/NEAT/grief.html.
University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension. “Single Parenting: Helping Children Cope With Death.” Rev. 4/02. Go to www.ceinfo.unh.edu and search for article title at this Web site.