Winter 2006 Alumnae Quarterly Web Extra
Redefining Success (What If You’re Not ‘Number One’)
By Marissa Saltzman ’07
We received many more responses than we had room for in the printed Quarterly. Here are the other comments we received, and expanded versions of comments that were excerpted in the printed magazine.
~ Marilyn Coburn Kincaid ’69
I never particularly succumbed to this [having to be number one], but I do know that some people feel very inadequate and this has been one reason why some don’t come back for reunions. As president, I’ve tried to stress in the letters that reunions aren’t at all like that, but daresay not everyone believes that!
There’s a Jewish midrash (story with a teaching point) about that. There is this rabbi named Zusia who is on his deathbed. His disciples try to comfort him, because he is depressed that he didn’t do better in this life. They said things like, “You taught us like Moses our leader!” “You were an example for us like Abraham the patriarch!” But Rabbi Zusia would not be comforted. He said, “In the world-to-come, God won’t ask me why wasn’t I more like Moses, or more like Abraham. God will ask me, ‘Why weren’t you Zusia?’”
We can be #1 at being ourselves, but it’s hard for us to learn and to believe that!
~Amee Shah ’93
What a timely request for me—I have been having conversations about this very topic with several friends over the last couple of months. I have been struggling with the pressure of having to excel in everything (motherhood, on-the-job, perfect wife).
I think that’s the message [“You can do anything”] that I’ve gotten my entire life and then going to a women’s college with such strong messages about women leaders, women role models, reinforced it for me. I‘m not sure it was explicitly ever spoken, it was just the environment. And I don’t know if it’s a sense that necessarily you have to be top in everything you do, but I think that it was a sense of you have to be successful and give your heart 100% to everything that you do. That’s the message that I very much internalized, and that I continue to internalize, yet try to battle.
I became a mother last year, so I added another dimension to my life—the complexity of trying to balance being a good wife, being successful in my career, and at the same time being a good, mother, friend, daughter, all of those other things. And I think adding the complexity of being a mother really made me redefine what I think of as ‘the best’ because I can’t give 100% to everything. It made me really think about well what does professional success mean for me—that’s the one I had been struggling with the most.
I know that as a mother there are some things that I’m not willing to compromise on: how much time I spend with my child, how much I travel for work, whether I’m home every night. I’ve been talking to many friends about: What does [professional success] mean? How do we balance it all? Do we give up something for years and then pick it up later?
Because I went to a women’s college, I feel like I need to be a role model. I have a bachelor’s from one of the best colleges in the country. I have two master’s degrees. I live in the U.S. I’m very privileged so I have to give all that I can back to the world. Also I feel that [as a] minority—I consider myself Asian-American—I have something I need to prove for my community.
[A friend] reminded me was that part of my passion in terms of being successful [in graduate school] had nothing to do with how other people measured success or with moving up the ladder. Part of my passion was about being able make a difference in the world, in the community. I think over the years I lost some of that message. It was a fantastic conversation I had with this friend; she reminded me that what success meant for me for a very long time was not determined by others, it was determined by what I thought. If I made a difference in one person’s life then that was far more important than whether or not I had a job that paid me $100,000 a year. So that’s part of how I’m beginning to come to terms with it. And I’m also coming to terms with the fact that you can’t give 100% all the time in everything. You pick and choose what it is that you’re going to give 100% to at any given point in your life. For me right now, I have a young daughter and it’s important for me to raise her to be independent, curious, creative, and more. So it’s okay for me to be focused on that. But it is a constant struggle, because as I watch people around succeed in different parts of their career I have to keep telling myself, ‘remember, you wanted this and it’s okay.’ That voice in the back of my head never quite goes away.”
~ Judith Jaeger ’95
As a fiction writer, which I consider my life’s work, one of the things I have to face every day is the fear of failure. I also have to accept that a fiction career can, and often must, start small. In other words, in order to build a fiction career, I need to accept that my first book probably won’t be a bestseller and that many bestselling authors work years to get there. So, hanging out in the middle, not being the number 1, is part of the job for me. It’s all about process.
First, I try to base my career decisions on two factors that are very important to me: doing what I love and the quality of my life. If I’m seeking a position, I’m always asking myself “Will I be doing what I love in that position?” and “Will I be able to maintain a good quality of life in that position?” And by quality of life I mean having the time to do what I want and the salary to be able to maintain a decent standard of living. Time has always been more important to me.
This is not to say that I am not interested in seeking positions that are at a higher level than where I am now or that I wouldn’t take a promotion if it came up. As you know, I am actually interested in new professional challenges and professional growth. It’s just that there is a point on the career ladder where you aren’t doing what you love anymore and you lose the quality of life standards that you value. I love writing, so if I were to become a CEO, would I still be writing articles and brochures, etc., in my daily work? Probably not, and that would weigh heavily in my decision of whether to pursue that path or not.
I also have two different careers going. I have what I call a professional writing career—the work I do for Clark—and a fiction-writing career, which is just starting to get off the ground. My fiction is my life’s work, and my ultimate career goal is to be a full-time fiction writer. So, my professional writing career decisions must take my fiction career goals into account. I need time to write and time to seek agents and publishers.
Also, as a fiction writer, I have come to a different understanding of success and goals. In order to pursue fiction, I’ve come to an understanding that I can no longer be focused on the end product—the published book. The focus has to be on the act and process of writing, not on the published book and the reviews and the sales. It seems counter-intuitive, but it doesn’t work any other way. It takes me about two years to write a book—that’s a long time to be working on something and only be focused on the end product. In order to be a fiction writer, you must enjoy the actual act of writing.
This has also shaped the way I look at my professional career. Is it the title I’m interested in, or the work itself? Is it the paycheck, or the job? The ideal is to have the work itself, the title and the paycheck be all that you want. But in the end, if the title is impressive and the pay is great but I hate the work, I can’t live with that. Forty hours or more a week is a lot of your life. You may as well spend that time doing something you love. That’s my approach to work anyway.
~ Michelle Chuk ’95
You know what’s funny—I think about that all the time. I think about the fact that most of us are just “regular people” that we read in the Quarterly about these people who have “succeeded” and become “leaders” and who are really important or famous...or what ever...and we were told at MHC that we could be and do what ever we wanted to be and do...but it is not always that easy...I mean—we are all out here just trying to live every day in a way that makes us happy—where we feel authentic and pleased with ourselves...and I don’t know about you, but I think that is really hard. It is for me. I also think that there are a lot of us who wonder if we have “accomplished enough” or if it is okay to decide not to go to graduate school or to stay at home to be a full-time mom. Because MHC doesn’t really say that those things are okay and I don’t know about you, but when I read the Quarterly, I get a little depressed because I feel like everyone is doing better or is more interesting than I ever will be...
I am proud of [the Quarterly] for wanting to point out that “normal” is well... normal... and mid-level or stay-at-home or coffee shop employee are not 4-letter words.
~ Kate Laird ’95
I am attempting to write a book in my free time and it is slow going and more of a dream than anything. In it I write about how being a stay at home mom can feel like a waste of my education and my friend in the book (also a grad of MHC and based on friend Stephanie Ward Chiari) and I talk it out––how we use our education is up to us. I feel being a mom is the best thing I can do right now––I couldn’t teach well now knowing my kids were with someone else. That is just me.
MHC gave me the drive to take chances though and being a mom I had to move to the boonies to live on one income… I haven’t created a new curriculum for schools or changed the migration habits of loons! But I have created what feels best in my life and I know I shouldn’t do less.
~Katharine Delo Gregg ’95
Ever since college I have been trying to be as widely committed, energetic, successful and coordinated as I was at MHC and continue to fall far below the bar I set for myself in college. Most recently I have been especially plagued by not super starring in my own life. After creating a jam-packed resume I am still struggling to make a mark and follow my passions. I have encountered major issues in the workforce that have shaken me to the core and forced me to question my abilities, my capacity to succeed. However, I have persevered and I know I am lucky - but every day I ask myself what happened? How could I––super girl––have encountered such great setbacks?
~Alicia McNeill (Mullen) ’95
I loved and still do love my career, but decided to cut back to part-time work after having a child and one on the way. I am still in the same field, but created a part-time position for myself, and feel like I still have it all, but only better since I am around more for my family. When I read the quarterly I am proud of those that have chosen to pursue MBAs, PhDs and become CEOs etc., and I often wonder if I should pursue more of a degree, but realize that the title I have now is perfect. Being a part-time career person and full-time mother and wife, I think because I am an MHC graduate that I have the confidence that this is the right balance for me. It made it easier giving up the money for doing what I believe in.
~ Michele DeRosa O’Connell ’85
I remember when I met with classmates on campus to begin planning for our 10th reunion and everyone was talking about honoring classmates that “hit the big time.” I remember thinking but what about the mom who’s working hard to raise her three kids under five, or the mom who gave up her life in a big city to live in her husband’s suburban home town so he could run a family business, or those of us that are enjoying work related to their advanced degrees, and the others that are in a totally different field. We all deserve to be honored. We all have our own personal success stories to tell. I know among my group of friends it’s harder for some to feel “successful.” We had this very conversation when we got together for our 40th birthdays.
~ Joanne Lord FP’95
When I graduated I had all intentions of teaching elementary school and furthering my education while teaching. Instead I ended up not teaching and working in a memory clinic with patients who had memory problems. I enjoyed my work but at the same time wished I were teaching. Five years ago I moved to Michigan and began working at the University of Michigan. I currently work in the Department of Neurology coordinating clinical drug trials for patients with Alzheimer’s disease. I work closely with investigators in the dept. of neurology. I enjoy my job and know I do make a difference in some of my patients’ lives. At the same time I have a sense of failure because I’m not teaching nor in a master’s program. Every time the Quarterly comes out I feel a sense of failure as I read what my classmates have accomplished.
~ Laura (Clay) Chapdelaine ’95
I’ve chosen to pursue a lifestyle that wouldn’t even allow me to compete for the top spots. Therefore, I feel excited and empowered when I read about the success of my peers who’ve chosen to live in major geographical centers and pursue work in for-profit or otherwise highly competitive fields (whereas I work part-time as a substitute teacher with many at-risk teenagers, having been at home with my children for the past ten years). I feel that my work is meaningful and I have few regrets, although one of them is that I’ve been absent from white-collar work for so long, it will be an enormous challenge to work my way into a field that might interest me in the future.
I guess what I regard most wistfully are the material perks of high-powered jobs that I read about in the Quarterly, particularly the varied and often exotic traveling adventures of my classmates. I’ve accepted that I’ll have to forgo the chance to trek in Nepal, windsurf off the coast of Australia, etc. because by the time I am able to save enough of our family budget to pay for a trip, a bus tour will probably be more my pace––I’ll be old and gray.
~ Gretchen (Tillson) Johnson ’95
I have often felt like I failed as an MHC alum because I haven’t yet gone back to get a master’s degree. I have a great job that pays the bills (just above barely, in fact, I work here and there at a part time waitressing job as a fill in for extra spending money) but, I love the people I work with, I am a professional, I have a nice house in Northfield, MA. I am married to my long time love and I have a smart, healthy and beautiful 6-year-old daughter. But, when I think of MHC alums, I think of those that became doctors and have their own practices, those that have traveled and live in foreign and exotic places and at the very least have their master’s degree. I have lived in Western Mass all my life. I love it here. I am not a top ranking staff at the Franklin Regional Council of Governments but I am a contributing member of a strong team that works well together. If I am not comparing myself to my version of an MHC alum, I am a success or at least on the right track.
~ Eloise Killeffer ’68
For decades now, I have had classmates tell me they don’t send in news for the class notes precisely because they aren’t water-walkers. I have tried to counter that sentiment, with varying levels of success, with explicit reminders that the class notes are for everyone.
~ Leah Ewing Ross ’95
This makes me think of my experience in my PhD program. Many doctoral students make school their #1 focus. Although this is important to me, school and work will never be more important than my family and friends. However, when I express this, people look at me as though I have several heads, and seem to think that you have to be all-consumed with a doc program in order to be a “serious student” making valuable contributions to academia. I probably have this attitude as a result of my mother dying a few years ago––I don’t want the value of my life to be based on my degrees.
~ Lori (Webster) Leclair ’95
I am a stay-at-home mom for my two boys, 1 and 2 (I do tutor students about 5 hours a week). It was a difficult adjustment going from the workplace to home and giving up that need to do the best I could in my field. Honestly, I am a lot more low key than I was ten years ago and really don’t worry about my place in the workforce. This is where I need to be now and eventually I’ll join the rat-race again!
~ Melanie S. Otto ’89
I am now the owner of my own business, Griffin Graphics Photography. I shoot and teach photography and with determination, this has slowly come into being a reality for me––especially in the last 2+ years. Our class scribe, Janet Buhlman, has recently put me, and my doings, on display in our slice of the Quarterly. Mind you, this was after nearly 15 years of complete silence from my end ’cause I, too, felt I was not one of these superwomen in achievement because of what I was doing career-wise.
The 15-year reunion was so different than the 10th. This was a smaller group as everyone was busy getting on with living and was not preoccupied with their careers and positions like all the discussion had been at the 10th. Gone was the “What’s your degree? What income level are you earning? What position have you achieved in your field?” The conversation was like, “Hey! How’s life? Are you happy?” stuff like that, and so many folks had changed their direction as well as deciding to enjoy their time in this world instead of racing this overachieving ideal.
I had to forgive myself for not “even” going to grad school. Didn’t matter that I’d held off because of illness, and then discovered how nice it was to have an income! And then what was I doing while all of you were off there? I was working in a camera store doing retail. Took me a long time, 3 companies, 3 states, and at least 5 years of my 8.5 years as an assistant manager for one of the nation’s largest non-chain photo retailers in the nation’s capital to get over that. I still am not psyched that I don’t have a PhD after my name and am teaching college...but I am doing things that I enjoy and which challenge me. In my teaching and tutoring I help others find this nourishing light in our consumer-based society that says “Take!” and not “Create”. It is like nothing else to work with people who want to learn––not just having parents who pay for them to spend time in school like many colleges. I go on adventures and meet folks as I like to do. I get to see and invoke beauty to come down and join us so others can see it. I won’t worry about all this other crap other people are so brainwashed or whatever into thinking and judging themselves by. It is not mine. I give it away to gnaw at someone else. One day, I hope to write and publish for others’ enjoyment as well. I am living my life, not someone else’s. I will not go out of this world regretful of never having tried––mind you, I don’t intend to be going anywhere as off-planet as that real soon.
~Amy (Connard) Laidlaw ’61
I’m assuming that I’m one of a small group who can’t point to any great achievement and feels deficient in that way. On the other hand, I do not blame this at all on my Mount Holyoke background and all that push to be an “uncommon” woman, rather on my own background and possibly a family history of feeling that way. My father was a magna cum laude graduate of Williams College who went on to a decent but not outstanding career, but always felt he had somehow not lived up to his potential. He was smart and a much more focused student than I––it can be easily documented that I did not graduate from Mount Holyoke “cum” anything. As this antithesis to the nothing achieved or different, might add that I probably do have an (unearned) class record––greatest number of years married and not yet an empty-nester––Rob and I have been married 40 years and have 4 children (ages 30—39) and 8-1/3 grandchildren. Other than about 3 weeks in the fall of 2000, we have never lived without at least one of our offspring in residence; currently we have one daughter and 2 grandchildren.
~ Marianne Lund ’95
I am chairman of the campaign committee to build The Greenest School in America, which is an awesome project, and one I urge all to be involved. I fell into that project four months ago because my children attend the Charlottesville Waldorf School, and because I began to understand just how important building a green school at a Platinum LEED Level is. To meet me today you would think I qualify for the CEO article, not the other one, but I would disagree.
When I was just married, seven years ago, I remember a night when while on the phone, my husband muttered something about going out, and promptly left before I could kiss the solicitor on the phone goodbye, and follow him. Not knowing where he had gone, I was somewhat stuck in our apartment, with dirty dishes, and his laundry to wash and fold. I was furious. I could not believe that as a graduate of MHC I was doing this “woman’s work” just like my grandmother had, with no discernable difference to all my schooling and hard work. I was in a rage. I sat down, and after a very long time of thinking, made a list of all the things that the house needed to run as a home. I then divided the list evenly, and waited for my husband to return.
It was a very important moment in our young marriage because two things occurred: one, I stood up for myself and drew a line declaring that I could not, and would not, do it all. One thing is to be self-confident at MHC, the it is an entirely different thing to be so while confronting a husband you have only been married to for 6 months, and at the same time, shirk the entire “home management” paradigm.
Secondly, I had one of the biggest realizations to date concerning women and the roles they play: as I sat picking the things I Wanted to Do, I realized that a) I actually loved cooking and b) that this was My Choice. And that is when I realized the value of my education. It isn’t that I have to do it all, but rather, that I can choose what I want to do.
This realization that I didn’t have to do it all was extremely liberating. I went on to stay at home, have four kids in five years, and by consequence have to battle the constant assumption that I am religious or uneducated, or plain dumb. It is a marvelous moment that of being at home with my kids. And now, when I finally found something I am passionate about other than my kids, I have dawned my MHC skill set of organizational leader, charmer, a woman full of pride, self-confidence, and self-belief, and have become the Chair of the Campaign. Did I feel obliged? No. Did I have to wrestle with my choice of being a stay home mom? Yes. But you know what, I can choose, and that, is the freedom MHC gave me when I graduated: I can choose when the time came to be a CEO, and when the time was to be a stay home mom, with peanut butter in my hair and driving the mini van full of kids. My grandmother, who had five kids, didn’t get a choice. And recognizing that, valuing that, is where I found my peace.
So, my view is that happiness is where you are at the moment. Valuing what you are doing at the moment is key. And belonging, be it to a family, a company, an animal, a college, it’s just the stage to express who you are at that moment. Hopefully, who you are is happy.
~ Kristin (Federer) Hall ’89
I confess I often skim the Quarterly really briefly, then recycle it, because I get tired of reading about how wonderfully ‘all’ the alums are doing. I love my jobs (as a middle school drama teacher, and a mother of young children), and I love my life (full of things I enjoy doing), but reading the MHC publications always leaves me feeling inadequate!
~ Sarah Gustafson ’95
The meaning of success is very different than the meaning of achievement for one thing, and being the best does not always mean the happiest or most fulfilled. For me, balance and well-being are critical to my happiness and being the best wouldn’t give me the time or energy to devote to the other aspects of my life. I still consider myself a driven, hard-working, dedicated and successful person professionally, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my relationships for success at work. Success for me at one point in my life was getting out of bed and at others it was being the best at something...Life does a lot of waxing and waning, so this is also part of the issue because what must it feel like for CEOs or leaders in a field to have championed something in the workplace but who come home to empty homes. Jobs don’t love you back.
~ Susan (Bergdolt) Filan ’88
I graduated summa cum laude, but at times feel like a disappointment because I’ve made choices that have resulted in a happy and well-balanced personal life, but not a stellar career. My CV does not reflect the frustration I feel when my current boss has me working on accounts or publicity for his winery rather than doing medical research (which is supposed to be my job).
I usually sit back and remind myself that I’ve got a relaxed lifestyle with a happy marriage, bright and enjoyable kids, rewarding volunteer work and a flexible job. Nevertheless, I didn’t finish the PhD I’d started, didn’t go into academia as my professors had hoped and haven’t made a big splash in any field (although I’ve co-authored a fair few journal articles).
Frustration has gotten the best of me and I’m seeking more fulfillment in my working life by returning to university next year (Australian academic year is January to December) and gaining qualifications to teach high school science. It may not be the prestigious career some envision, but I know I will never be bored or unemployed and it will fit in well with my family life.
~Maryanna Phillips Koehring ’95
I’m definitely not a CEO. In fact, I’m a stay-at-home mom living in Bolivia. I never thought I was the “typical” MHC graduate. I’m an evangelical Christian who tends to vote conservatively, I was happy to take my husband’s last name, and I am happy to stay at home with children for a few years. I will, however, be happy to go back to teaching some day, and I would even love to find a half-day teaching position then. That way, I could do more at home and be more available for the needs of the family. How’s that for non-CEO types?
~ Lisa Brooks FP’95
I’m a senior coordinator (administrative position) with the world’s largest public relations firm. I get time and a half if I work more than 7.5 hours a day. I’m home with my husband, our four dogs, and our 180-gallon reef aquarium every night and weekend. I’ve been asked repeatedly to “switch sides,” but my colleagues on the other side work ungodly hours, travel constantly, and are under pressure to bill, bill, bill. MHC taught me that I can choose to live my life how I want to. The GM of our office is a Wellesley grad. After MHC, I’m confident I could also be a GM, but I’m not the least bit interested. There’s so much more to life than work.
~ Nicole (Tetreault) Muller ’94
I am one of the alumnae that “apologizes” for her career. After leaving MHC, I worked for LEGO in Enfield, CT. After several (miserable) years there, I began helping my father in his business: a machine shop. I loved it, and a few months later when he was looking to hire someone full-time, I jumped at the chance. I have worked as a CNC machinist for the last seven years, and have never been happier. I work in all facets of the business, from quoting jobs to ordering material, programming a part using a CAD/CAM system and setting it up in a machine (we have CNC-controlled milling machines), running and inspecting parts. There aren’t many women I graduated with, it seems, that are blue-collar workers. Granted, I will someday own the business when my father chooses to retire. But I do feel like I need to justify “wasting” my MHC diploma!
~ Allison H. Dickens ’95
Though I have not defined my career goal as becoming the CEO of a company, or even #1 in my division, I have defined my goal as always performing to the best of my abilities. For me, there’s a difference between being “the best” and being at the top of the org chart.
My mother, for example, is very well respected in her community, yet she has not worked full time since she had children. I know many people look to her for advice and think of her first when they need help with a problem. She is first in their minds, though I don’t think she would define herself as #1. She always does her best at whatever task she takes on (recently it’s been running a library board of trustees and lobbying state government for more library funding) and makes thoughtful decisions. She has earned the respect of her community and family and friends. She is a success in many people’s eyes. But she doesn’t have a corner office, a big salary, or a retinue of employees.
We should be “the best” by our own definitions, not by an arbitrary title or office location or salary mark. If you get to the top of the heap by being your personal best, then that is fantastic, but you don’t have to be #1 to be your best. I want women to be CEOs. I have friends who are in charge, who save lives, who are literally #1 and I am incredibly proud of their achievements. But I’m equally proud of my mom’s achievements because she has made a positive difference in other people’s lives and she has done so honestly and creatively.
I also think that what you want to do, can do, and should do changes at different times in your life. Ten years ago when I graduated from MHC, I had different goals because I had not been through some of the experiences that have shaped me more recently (such as meeting my husband, becoming closer to my grandmother, or discovering that I have more of a head for business than I had previously assumed). Being open to that change and adjusting as what you want changes, is possibly the most important task we can take on.
There is also a difference between being allowed to do everything and being able to do everything. That’s a trap I fell into and have only recently begun to climb out of: Just because I can achieve anything I want, go as high as I am willing to climb, that does not mean I want to or should. I “should” make careful choices about what will satisfy my personal goals and earn me respect from others (and from myself). The choice I make might be to pursue the responsibility of a top position. Or it might be to continue serving my clients at my current level because I feel I can serve them more effectively here. It might be to take a step back from work to have a child, or it might be to continue working full time because I am a better mother when I am personally fulfilled. Each of us has a different “best” and often many different ways of being “the best” at what we do.
These are issues that I think women struggle with throughout their lives—what is success, how do we find it, how does our definition change with time. I am glad we talk about it because every time I talk about it with someone, it helps me to understand the words a bit better, and how I feel about my own goals and achievements.
~ Michelle (Hanway) Thurman ’95
I’m a family doctor. I’m in my third year out in private practice. You might think that medicine is a pretty high-powered field––and it is. But there are definitely tiers of prestige and power. As you might imagine, family practice is one of the lower tiers. But I love what I do. I see a wide variety of patients. I may not be able to surgically repair all of their problems, but I get to be part of the broad scope of their lives. I like my colleagues. My fellow primary care providers tend to be laid back and helpful, with a good sense of humor. But sometimes I feel like I’ve got to explain myself to other medical professionals that I’ve chosen to be a primary care doctor rather than a sub-specialists because I like it. And I’m just as much of a doctor as they are.
Also, after a year of being out in practice, my colleagues and I chose to stop doing obstetrics and inpatient medicine in order to focus on our outpatient practice. Also, malpractice premiums are huge. And on top of that, we didn’t really like doing inpatient medicine or obstetrics. I like my life. It’s much less stressful (although outpatient family medicine has it’s share of stress and frustration). On call nights, I can take care of most things over the phone. I get a full night’s sleep each night. I get along with my husband. And I have time to do things I enjoy, including helping to lead the youth group at my church. But it is still hard fighting this guilty idea that I should be superwoman, superdoctor, doing absolutely everything that I’ve ever trained to do, being on-call 24/7 for each of my patients and meeting every one of their needs. And when I tell others about my choice, I almost feel like I’m apologizing. Is it just me?
~ Toby Sawyer ’95
I’m very glad you’re writing the article on alumnae who aren’t the tops in their careers. It’s quite the interesting counterpoint to the usual sorts of articles in the Quarterly. Actually, I often feel fairly alienated from the rich and famous alums that appear in the Quarterly. I tend to skip reading those articles because they just make me feel inadequate. While I’m glad that my college attracts such people, I certainly don’t feel like I can measure up to them in any way.
I know I certainly feel the pressure to excel and feel a failure when I am not the best at whatever I attempt. Since that isn’t too often I end up feeling like a failure a lot. I can’t say I got this only from MHC. I had it before college and it certainly hasn’t gone away after.
On the positive side, after my MHC career I have gone on to get a master’s degree in philosophy and am now getting a second bachelor’s in nursing, having finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. After I finish with the BSN I will get another master’s in midwifery. I dream of having my own birthing clinic, but delivering babies in a hospital would be just fine too. I’m not meaning to boast of my accomplishments. They’re quite similar to other alums’ achievements, I’m sure. What I mean to show is that even with these things I still feel like a failure because I’m not running the WHO. Where did these expectations come from?
~ Elizabeth M. Greason ’95
I remember [former MHC president] Elizabeth Kennan’s last speech to the class of 1995 when she challenged each of us to answer: “What will become of me?” That memory is closely followed by my about-to-enter-the-real-world-self thinking: I have no idea.
Indeed, our classes charged us with changing the world... and thank God/Buddha/Allah/and the goddesses that they did. As a women’s studies major, I believed my mission post-Mt. Holyoke was to eradicate sexism, racism, classism, and homophobia. Naive? Maybe, but ingrained to my core, for sure. This ambition brings with it not a small amount of turmoil when the world (not so subtly) tells you that it isn’t really interested in being changed. Many MHC alum are then faced with a challenge: how do I change the world in a small way, or, perhaps, how do I change the world in my own way without feeling like a failure? For it is really in small interactions with people that attitudes change, ideas for a better world evolve, and the groundwork for future activism is laid. At least that’s what we teachers believe. And it is because of this change in perspective that I am able to find some solace between the expectation (imposed by whomever) that I must win the Nobel Peace Prize and the reality that I am (hopefully) building understanding across cultures and between the sexes in my classroom.
I used to think when alums in their 30s talked about success being much more than academic/professional accomplishments, that they were sellouts, that they’d lost focus because they fell in love or gave birth. But, through surviving my 20s, I came to realize that success is about finding out what makes you feel alive and good and like you’re doing something real... and that looks different for all of us. But at Mount Holyoke, being successful was defined by kicking academic ass, and we did so, sometimes (often?) at the expense of our physical, spiritual, and psychological well-being. And so we alums often think that the kind of success worthy of mentioning to the Quarterly is of the professional-ass-kicking kind.
It’s taken a lot of time and a lot of work to realize that success and perfection are not the same, to realize that compassion is something you can show yourself, and to appreciate that our paths after Mount Holyoke won’t always look the way we had imagined. But if we follow those twists, difficult and beautiful as they are, we may just find that thing called success.
~ Elizabeth Marino ’95
While I haven’t felt the pressure you mention, I have several friends who have mentioned feeling this way, particularly after reading the updates in the Quarterly. Unfortunately, a few of these wonderful women went so far as to not attend our 5-year reunion weekend because they believed they were not successful enough and were embarrassed to go to reunion while between jobs or doing temp work. Personally, I am happy that Mount Holyoke instilled in me the belief that I could do anything I chose and that I could succeed in achieving the goals I set for myself. Hopefully your article will help more women feel the same way.
~“Sudy” Smith McLaren ’62
When I lived in Australia, I met an alum who had married and settled in Oz, and was raising four children. She considered herself “not a success,” apparently because she had not achieved some sort of acclaim.
To me, one of the greatest achievements in humanity is to be a good parent. Grooming the next generation has to be a top priority, or else we may as well flush all the corporations/organizations into any convenient place. Inspired CEOs will survive beyond their tenure, in part because they have a qualified support system amongst colleagues and in the next generations. Look at Mary Lyon. All this seems so obvious that it may be lost in the shuffle to get to the top. As I age, I am increasingly aware that as important as what you’ve done may be, it’s more about who you are as a human being.
~ Ann Davin Hazard ’56
I found out as soon as I entered MHC that there were classmates who were much better than I in academics and certain sports. I had been tops in both areas in high school, so I had to learn to be a smaller fish in a bigger pond very quickly. I adjusted to that after freshman year and learned something over my four years on campus that was better. I learned at MHC that a female had much to contribute to society, and that not only were we going to be wives and mothers (in my case, right after graduation) but we were going to find our niche for contributing to society in other areas as well. I did volunteer work while my children were young, and then went to work in the field of education. After retirement, I went back to volunteer work. Never stop contributing! That’s a Holyoke creed!
~ Roberta Mitchell Cameron ’95
I think I have come to accept that I’m not going to lead the parade––if for no other reason than because I just have to play in all six of the marching bands. (I’m thinking of maybe starting a support group for over-committers, but so far we haven’t been able to come up with a time when all of us can meet.) But seriously, after shaping my own career despite not finding the best job, I now have slowed down again to work part time for several years so that I can give the time that I feel I must give to being a mom. And a child care provider. And a community volunteer. And artist. I’m not winning any awards in any category, but I am *mostly* meeting my own high standards for quality performance, while pursuing all my varied ambitions.
~Barbara Mallory Lamb ’56
I have not personally felt the pressure to be the absolute best in everything I do. But I have certainly felt that I must always be doing something worthwhile and helpful. At times when my “helpful” activities have slowed down (especially my professional psychotherapy work), I have felt a bit restless and uneasy, with the sense that “I should be doing more” to help someone or to accomplish things that I had previously been too busy to do.
I have been able to take wonderful trips and vacations far away from home, and justify them and enjoy them thoroughly, but when I am home and am able and willing to work and the work is slow to materialize for awhile, I feel that familiar pressure to be ‘giving more.’
This conditioning came not only from my experience at Mount Holyoke, but also from my mother and father, who were Wellesley and Cornell graduates, and imbued with the commitment to ‘community service’ and to ‘giving back.’
~ Sylvia Marie Roldan ’00
I feel I relate to the not being #1 in your field. I am often tempted not to send anything into the Quarterly because I am not higher up in the field of education (i.e. professor, dean, president). I often feel that everyday classroom teachers are not seen as “professionals.” I especially feel this way, having only taught ESL domestically & abroad, tutored at the high school level, and now pursuing my M.A. in bilingual/bicultural ed.
There is a certain pressure I feel from the MHC community to head straight into an M.A. or PhD program. This may reflect the greater U.S. pressure to have material goods (i.e. house and car). As an alum who is 27 years old without a 401K, a steady job, a home, or car I often feel like an anomaly in the MHC community. Perhaps I am now, but from what is reported in the Quarterly it is easy to feel like one.
~ Anne Barnes Hancox ’89
I have a few positions in life that I work at, first of all I am a successful stay- at-home mom to a 10 year old and 7 year old. It is the most rewarding. Secondly, I am a freelance fiber artist; I teach as well as design wall hangings and quilts. And, lastly, I am the treasurer for my husband’s company, David Hancox Landscaping Corp. He has been in business for 25 years. I share some of the design as well as the bottom line for the 1.3 million dollar company. I am not the top in this as I was a history major and did not excel at math but it is important to keep the finances within a family in a family-run business.
